Phantom Phairy Tales
by The Real Christine Daae
Summary: I'm Back! Just as the title suggests. Just one for now. More to come. Pg to be safe.
1. Default Chapter

Muahahahahahahaaaaaa! I'M BAAAACCCCKK!  
  
Now that I have desecrated the beloved songs of Christmas, ransacked the morals of the Paris Opera Company by putting them in disastrous situations involving liquor and parties, I now come to you with a much more innocent approach. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. It is now the time to delve our minds back into the memories of childhood and desecrate the well loved fairy tales and nighttime stories of Mother Goose and other such fables. Be warned, fair readers of POTO Phictions, for what lies beyond is silly, completely off the wall, and heavily embarrassing for the characters of our most beloved story of woe. Read. Laugh. Cry if you will. But do not hold me responsible for what ensues, dear friends; for I am tired and I've had a lot to drink. ( 


	2. Little Red Christine Hood

Little Red Christine Hood.  
  
One fine spring day, Little Red Christine Hood got word that her Grandma Valerius was ill in bed. She packed up a basket of cakes and fruit and a loaf of hot bread and put on her red cape, for which she was so known for, and headed across the woods to her Grandmother's house.  
  
Along the way, she stopped in a field to pick wildflowers for she knew that Grandma Valerius would love to smell and see the pretty blossoms. When Little Red Christine Hood had gathered all her apron could carry, she started back along the path, skipping and singing along the way. Then, all of the sudden, a large wolf jumped out of the thick forest and growled hungrily at her. He had heard her beautiful singing and ran to see what creature had made such a heavenly music.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood, not being frightened at all of the wolf, stopped in her tracks and placed her hands on her hips and demanded that he let her pass.  
  
The wolf cocked his head to one side and asked whom she was and where she was going with such a large basket of food and flowers.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood told him, "I am visiting Grandma in her cottage because she is sick in bed. Now tell me your name wolf," she demanded.  
  
Seeing that Little Red Christine Hood was not afraid of him, he told her his name was Erik, and put on a rather gentlemanly manner. He bowed low and allowed her to pass, wishing her well.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood curtseyed back and went skipping along her way. The wolf remained and thought to himself that such a lovely girl would be wonderful to exploit on the Parisian stage as a singer, but he was rather hungry and she looked better to him as a warm meal. So he ran ahead of her through the forest to the Grandma's cottage so that he might disguise himself in a fiendish plan to first eat her, and then eat all the food that Little Red Christine Hood had brought, then finish off the three course meal with the little singer herself for desert. He licked his chops and thought what a lovely meal he would have that night and planned what sort of potatoes he would have as a side dish to eating the old bat.  
  
Erik the Wolf arrived at Grandma Valerius' house long before Little Red Christine Hood would manage to get there because the little ditzy twit had stopped for more flowers, having forgotten her bouquet when she encountered Erik the Wolf.  
  
Erik the Wolf banged his fist on the door to the little cottage and yelled, "Open this door or I'll blow your house in!" A little voice called from inside the cottage, "Wrong house wolf, you want the pig down the lane!"  
  
"!@#$," muttered the wolf under his breath. "Wrong fairy tale. Look lady, either open the door or, or…" he thought hard for a good threat but nothing came.  
  
"The door is open for crying out loud!" the Grandma called. "You honestly think I'm going to get out of bed to open it for you? I'm sick remember!"  
  
Erik the Wolf looked confused for a moment, pondering how she could have known that he knew she was ill, but this is after all a fairy tale and so it hardly registers.  
  
Erik the Wolf opened the door and said, "Ok look. I'm a wolf and you are a sick Grandmother. You know the routine so start basting yourself with marinara sauce quickly before Little Red Christine Hood gets here. I have to have time to change into your clothing and based on what you are wearing, it might take awhile to pick something out. I hardly think a nightgown with pink flowers on it is my style."  
  
Grandma Valerius sighed and resolved to her role of being eaten and Erik the Wolf made good on his promise and swallowed her in one gulp because this is a fairy tale and things like that are possible and can and will happen.  
  
Erik the Wolf had just picked out a black nightgown from the closet and put it on when a small tapping came at the door.  
  
"Come in my dear," Erik the Wolf disguised his voice to sound like Grandma Valerius, whom was patiently waiting in his belly to be rescued.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood skipped merrily across the floor and deposited her basket of goodies on the floor and put the flower in a vase by the bedside.  
  
Suddenly, the door burst open and there stood a handsome young blonde woodsman named Raoul. "Hazzzaaahhhh!" he cried, brandishing his ax.  
  
Erik the Wolf looked at him and back at Little Red Christine Hood and cleared his throat derisively, "You're early stupid. Go back outside. She still has to ask me the dumb questions and I still need to eat her."  
  
Raoul looked puzzled but he shut the door behind him has he left to wait outside like he was told.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood, being the innocent that she was, asked, "Why Grandma, what did you mean eat me?"  
  
"Oh shush you little twit, ahem, I mean, never you mind that dearest," Erik the Wolf replied.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood stared at him, puzzled with her head cocked to one side.  
  
Erik the Wolf, getting impatient at her stupidity, cleared his throat, "Ahem," he gestured to his ears.  
  
"Oh!" Little Red Christine Hood exclaimed finally, "What big ears you've got!"  
  
The door burst open and once again, revealing the handsome young woodsman.  
  
Erik the Wolf glared at him from behind Grandma's spectacles. "Still early, fop."  
  
Raoul left once again, shuffling his feet on the floorboards and kicking a pebble from his path as he shut the door behind him, sighing loudly.  
  
"Who is that man?" exclaimed Little Red Christine Hood.  
  
"Never you mind that distraction," he growled, forgetting to disguise his voice. "Um, I mean, don't pay any attention to him my dear. Men are nothing but trouble!" he added in Grandma's voice. He looked at Little Red Christine Hood and intentionally sniffed loudly as his stomach growled with his new onset of hunger.  
  
"My, my Grandma! What a bit nose you've got! Holy Cow! I hope it's not genetic!"  
  
Little Red Christine Hood exclaimed, pointing a finger rudely in Erik the Wolf's face.  
  
"Genetic? What the…" Erik the Wolf was puzzled at her sudden onslaught of knowledge that was at that time still unknown to the world but being that this is a fairy tale, sit back and don't ponder it either.  
  
'I do not have a big nose.' Grandma Valerius thought to herself from inside the wolf.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood suddenly diverted her attention to stare out the window.  
  
Erik the Wolf, growing impatient, started cleaning his teeth with his long pink tongue, hoping to draw attention to them.  
  
Little Red Christine Hood, being the innocent that she was, only noticed this and said, "Don't worry Grandma, I've brought you a new toothbrush." And with that, she reached into her basket of goodies and brought out the new brush and presented it to him.  
  
Erik the Wolf took it from her, gritting his teeth in frustration at her stupidity.  
  
Once again, the door swung open and Raoul the Woodsman jumped inside the cottage and cried, "Hazzaaahhhh! Now I shall kill you for having eaten the beloved young and beautiful child and her Grandmother!"  
  
Erik the Wolf lost his temper then. He jumped out of bed and lunged towards Raoul the Woodsman. "What the heck do you think you are doing? Huh? You just blew it for me. Now she knows what happened to her Grandmother and what I planned to do to her, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if you are going to hack me open with your ax and rescue the two of them! Oh no! Not if I can help it!  
  
"What on earth are you talking about Grandmother? I think the fever has gone to your head," Little Red Christine Hood said, as she tried to usher Erik the Wolf back into bed. Erik the Wolf looked at her incredulously, as did Raoul the Woodsman.  
  
"Tell me honestly," Erik the Wolf said to Raoul, "Is she really worth rescuing? I mean, c'mon. What on earth would be the point? In fact, I think I'm doing the world a favor by eating her!"  
  
"Now wait just a minute," Raoul the Woodsman started in, "If I don't rescue her, then what the heck is my point in this story?"  
  
Erik the Wolf stroked his chin thoughtfully, "Well, you do have a valid point."  
  
Little Red Christine Hood, not even remotely close to catching on, said, "Grandma, if you are really hungry, I did bring you some food, in case you've forgotten."  
  
"It's not the hunger my dear, it's the principle," Erik the Wolf said to her, ignoring her naivety.  
  
"Now just a moment!" a voice cried from inside Erik's stomach. "I think I have a say in all this! It is my house!"  
  
"Wow Grandma! I didn't know you were a ventriloquist!" cried Little Red Christine Hood, clapping her hands and jumping up and down.  
  
"I can't deal with all this. And I can't talk to my own stomach without completely losing it," Erik the wolf said. And with that, he barfed up Grandma onto the bed where she landed with a plop.  
  
"Oh there you are Grandma!" Little Red Christine Hood squealed as she ran to hug her. Raoul the Woodsman looked at Erik and said, "Oh that's just great! Now you have to eat her again AND her," he cocked his head towards the dumb blonde twit, "otherwise I'm pretty much worthless."  
  
"You can say that again," Erik muttered under his breath.  
  
Grandma Valerius got up off the bed and stormed towards Erik the Wolf.  
  
"How dare you barge into my house, eat me, wear my clothing with intentions of fooling at eating my granddaughter…"  
  
"Not that hard to fool, is she?" Erik interrupted and whispered to Raoul who sniggered.  
  
"Now see here!" Grandma roared angrily. "I'll not have the likes of you making ill intentions where my granddaughter is concerned, and I especially don't like the fact of being eaten. To be quite honest, I'm not certain I like the idea of being hacked free by a stupid woodsman's ax."  
  
"But, but…" Raoul stammered. "It's my job."  
  
Little Red Christine Hood, taking all of this in stride, just stared happily at the wall. "I don't care if it is your job to go around chopping up wolves to rescue grandmothers and their naïve granddaughters! I won't have it in my house.  
  
And with that, she threw the astonished Erik and Raoul outside and slammed the door in their faces!  
  
"There! That's that," exclaimed Grandma. "Now, how about that goodie basket you brought," she said to Little Red Christine Hood, as they both made their way to the table as though nothing had happened.  
  
Outside, Erik the Wolf and Raoul the Woodsman stared at each other in disbelief that what had just happened, had in fact, happened.  
  
"I suddenly feel ridiculous in this nightgown," Erik said pitifully, staring at his feet. "And I'm still hungry."  
  
"I still need to chop something up," Raoul said with a tear in his eye.  
  
"Hey!" Erik exclaimed excitedly, "That old broad said something about some little pigs that live down the way! Lets go and get them!"  
  
And with that, Erik the Wolf and Raoul the Woodsman, went skipping down the lane to the first pig's house. 


End file.
